Things that remind me how much I wish she was here

Seeing paper snowflakes or any number of other little kid friendly craft project.

A bunny running through a yard early in the morning while I am getting ready for work.

When I go visit my parents.

Bed time.

When I get out of bed.

Mother's Day and other Heartbreaks

I am getting so worn out with the holidays that were supposed to be joyful markers of first experiences but have become another thing to put my head down and get through.

Other days that have been painful? Super Bowl Sunday 2012 (started as the happiest day of our lives which became the most shocking, saddest one I'll ever know)

February 5th, for the rest of my life.

Valentine's Day, the first holiday after we lost her.

St. Patrick's Day, which in the weeks leading up, before losing Eleanor, was to be possibly my first adventure back out for the green beer that has become a cliche tradition among my girl friends.

Easter. This one was tricky. After breaking down in front of a display of baby bunny books and plush toys in Barnes and Noble, I wailed to my mother, "I forgot about Easter!!" everything becomes a reminder about the child you lost, but the idea that Eleanor would not be among the little, fat babies, clad in pastels with baby animal patterns, sitting in front of an Easter baskets full of candy she'll never eat just killed me all over again.

And now here we are, Mother's Day. What shall we say? I will throw down the guantlet, concede that you may win the battle this year, but I challenge you to come back next year, when I hope to be on stronger ground and can best you. And celebrate with a baby I can hold while celebrating the baby, I hope, is holding me.

Insomnia

I just can't sleep anymore. I have never been someone who needed a lot of sleep but this is ridiculous. I just can't go to sleep. I end up taking something to help me every night, which can't be good. Dan is the opposite. He wants to go to bed as soon as possible each night, sometimes going to bed as early as 7:30 - I wish I was exaggerating. Then that leaves me up all by myself, brain going a million miles a minute. As I write this, it is past midnight. Which means it's time to think about taking something because I am not the least bit sleepy. And even when I can go to sleep, I am back up in a few hours.