Today, Eleanor would have been 9 months old. I hate that she missed Halloween. I really felt her absence among the babies of friends dressed up and paraded through work and in my own family as my niece and nephews came over to trick or treat. We had looked forward to her first costume - a hand me down plush Dumbo the Elephant costume - now tucked into a large drawer in a dresser sitting just to the left of me as I write this post.
But today was a big day for our little family. We had our second appointment to see the genetics specialist in Little Rock. I had worked myself up into an anxiety ball in the weeks leading up to this appointment. We were there to look again at the diaphragm to make sure it was not herniated. Plus a look at any other warning signs that may indicate that Pick was going to have problems.
I am happy to report they could find nothing out of the ordinary. By all accounts Pick is a healthy, growing baby. He even had the hiccups while they were taking pictures, as if to show off his strong diaphragm.
Dr. Wendell said there was nothing that made him nervous about what he saw. He added that this far along, he felt that if something was wrong, there would be something off, some sort of visible indicator. He tempered this optimism with the required acknowledgement that in our situation, we cannot know until he is here. But overall, I could tell he was very confident about the results.
I'll say again today what I think every moment - it will never be okay that Eleanor isn't here. I am so glad to know that Pick is getting close to making his arrival and that it would seem, at least for now, that he will not be sick. But I love him alongside my daughter, not instead. Sometimes, I think (torture myself) with the idea that if Eleanor had lived we would not be having this baby boy. That loving and looking forward to Pick is at the expense of her. But today I had a better thought.
Without having Eleanor, there would be no Pick. If I had not given birth to my beautiful daughter and experienced her short life in 2012, then surely I would not have had her brother in 2013.
Of course, it still doesn't make it okay. I am just so bad at being noble or strong. I really tried to be genuine and positive in this post but it still feels like such crap. I will never, ever understand why I cannot have and love them both. On some level I will never fully accept it. At least not in this life. Though I am genuinely hopeful that someday I will gain an understanding that is not available to me here.
And that IS the truth. I promise.
I wasn't sure whether we should have taken L by to see everyone or not, but I know how you don't want people to do anything different either.
ReplyDeleteYou know, B's mother was born exactly one year to the day after a brother who passed away shortly after birth. I know that B's grandparents still miss Carl to this day, but they wouldn't have had B's mom either. If not for Carl's life, there would be no B's mom, B, his brother, L, her cousin T, or any other grandchildren that may come. Their family is continued through B's mom's line, because their only other grandchild isn't capable of having a normal life, marriage, or children.
Pick, I believe with all my heart, has this wonderful life ahead of him with children and grandchildren. For all we know, he may make breakthroughs in preventing infant loss. Like B's mom carries her brother with her, Pick will always have Eleanor with him. It would be better if she were physically with him, but our world isn't perfect that way.
Her life mattered though, short as it was. Everyone who loves you, loves her, and misses her. We should have had an elephant and a ladybug trick or treating together last week.
I have to tell you that you're wrong about not being noble or strong. You are one of the strongest, most genuine people I know. I hate that you have had to be as strong as you are. You admit when something feels like crap. You don't have to fully accept that you can't have both here with you either. You don't have to be some false paragon of strength, just be you: joy, grief, anger, sadness, and laughter. We'll continue to love you anyway.
I am so glad you brought L by, I am always glad to see the babies that came into the world alongside Eleanor. Thank you for this message, you are a good friend!
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