Celebrating Eleanor's Halfy Birthday

For the first time, we decided to celebrate her half birthday as a way to do something we could share with people and include Ed is something really joyful.  Often I am just too sad to do much on her real birthday and I think that will be true for a long time.  But this was so fun.  I hope this can be something that Ed looks forward to and remembers as the years go by.

This year, we ordered a bunch of purple beach balls.

We took 12 of them to Ed's daycare to donate to the school and share with his friends on her actual birthday.  They were a huge hit!  The kids loved them and the school will continue to use them in the classroom.

Then on Saturday, we took about 30 more beach balls to the local public pool.  The parks department was lovely and worked with us so that we could set up a display asking people to take a ball, enjoy the day and help us celebrate her life.  Ed had a blast at the pool and it was so cool to watch these purple beach balls everywhere at the pool.  

Eleanor's 2nd Birthday

This year we had the idea to not just release balloons here in Arkansas, but to involve friends and family around the country.  I love the idea that over the course of the day and across several states, memories and thoughts of Eleanor soared into the sky.

As a long shot, I even attached tags to the balloons that included the address to this blog so that if a stranger would find it and look it up, they would see just the sort of loving legacy Eleanor left behind.

I will update as more of the pictures come in from friends and family, but here is a look:

ARKANSAS

MISSOURI

OKLAHOMA

TEXAS

SOUTH CAROLINA

How Do I Make it Not Sad for Him?

I took this picture on Christmas Day.  A typical holiday pilgrimage to a place no one wants to spend their holidays.  Where Eleanor is buried is very lovely.  It's in a particularly pretty area of Fayetteville, the grounds are softly hilly, there's a even duck pond.  Folks in the neighborhood are always in it on nice days, using it almost like a neighborhood park - walking dogs and jogging.

I think Ed will like coming here for those reasons but, while I love this picture of him in his Christmas outfit, reaching happily for his sister's flowers, looking at this image also fills me with anxiety for the future.

I want to celebrate Eleanor.  Include her in family events, remember my pregnancy and her life.  And we do.  But how and when do I begin to broach the topic with my joyful baby.  He's one now and their birthdays are very close together in the calendar year.  Which means every January 28th we celebrate the happiest day of my life and a scant 8 days later we struggle through Eleanor's birthday.

I never want him to dread her day or the mention of her name and I don't want him to feel sad - ever. But I want him to know her, to love her with us.

I guess we'll navigate this pass the same way we have made it through all of the other impossible situations presented to parents who don't have their children to hold.  Do it because we must. Figure it out because we've been given no other option.  Be natural and cautious, happy and heartbroken.

But if someday, somewhere, some mom finds this entry and knows just what to do - please, please advise.

Essay Featured in Child Loss Magazine

Still Standing is an online magazine dedicated to survivors of child loss and infertility.  I have gotten so much out of its articles, many of which are guest submissions by moms who have experienced loss.

Back in July, an essay I wrote was selected to be featured as a guest submission.  Titled "Family of Four, Party of Three", it's about the social awkwardness of explaining your family situation to friendly, well-meaning strangers. It was therapeutic for me to write it and my hope is that maybe a mom out there felt supported by the words.  

Because I am not sure if I'm allowed to share the text in full here, please read the essay on the Still Standing website.

Photo credit: Addison's Keepsakes