Essay Featured in Child Loss Magazine

Still Standing is an online magazine dedicated to survivors of child loss and infertility.  I have gotten so much out of its articles, many of which are guest submissions by moms who have experienced loss.

Back in July, an essay I wrote was selected to be featured as a guest submission.  Titled "Family of Four, Party of Three", it's about the social awkwardness of explaining your family situation to friendly, well-meaning strangers. It was therapeutic for me to write it and my hope is that maybe a mom out there felt supported by the words.  

Because I am not sure if I'm allowed to share the text in full here, please read the essay on the Still Standing website.

Photo credit: Addison's Keepsakes

Eleanor's First Birthday

It was a date that loomed on the calendar for months.  Eleanor's first birthday.  I knew I wanted to do something to celebrate and remember her but had no idea how to proceed.  I mean, what person on the planet wants to mark a their child's birthday like this?

Edison's healthy arrival just 8 days before helped to give me strength.  But recovering from surgery and a newborn limited what could be done.

In the end we settled on a balloon release.  Just family and held at her spot at Fairview Memorial Gardens.  It's hard for me to call it her grave - I avoid the term, along with cemetery, when I can.

The weather was ridiculously nice, as though the universe knew it was important to make the day as beautiful and happy as possible.  Dan's family went to her spot earlier in the morning, putting out a cheerful fresh flower arrangement, swapping out the more permanent, weather-sturdy, decorations that are usually there.

Every member of the family released a purple balloon.  Each balloon had a tag, handmade by two of my dear friends.  they wrote her name and birthday on each of the 20+ tags, then drew an elephant on the back of each.  I think back to just over one year ago, and wonder how I could have ever prepared them or myself for the idea that they would be helping plan Eleanor's first in such a strange and sad way.

We released Ed's balloon last.  Untied it from his carrier and set it free.  All the balloons were picked up by the wind quickly and carried high into the sky.

Maybe someone found one of the cards when they fell back to Earth and wondered who Eleanor was and understood from this small gesture that she must be really loved.  I hope so.

9 Months: Good News

Today, Eleanor would have been 9 months old.  I hate that she missed Halloween.  I really felt her absence among the babies of friends dressed up and paraded through work and in my own family as my niece and nephews came over to trick or treat.  We had looked forward to her first costume - a hand me down plush Dumbo the Elephant costume - now tucked into a large drawer in a dresser sitting just to the left of me as I write this post.

But today was a big day for our little family.  We had our second appointment to see the genetics specialist in Little Rock.  I had worked myself up into an anxiety ball in the weeks leading up to this appointment.  We were there to look again at the diaphragm to make sure it was not herniated.  Plus a look at any other warning signs that may indicate that Pick was going to have problems.

I am happy to report they could find nothing out of the ordinary.  By all accounts Pick is a healthy, growing baby.  He even had the hiccups while they were taking pictures, as if to show off his strong diaphragm.

Dr. Wendell said there was nothing that made him nervous about what he saw.  He added that this far along, he felt that if something was wrong, there would be something off, some sort of visible indicator.  He tempered this optimism with the required acknowledgement that in our situation, we cannot know until he is here.  But overall, I could tell he was very confident about the results.

I'll say again today what I think every moment - it will never be okay that Eleanor isn't here.  I am so glad to know that Pick is getting close to making his arrival and that it would seem, at least for now, that he will not be sick.  But I love him alongside my daughter, not instead.  Sometimes, I think (torture myself) with the idea that if Eleanor had lived we would not be having this baby boy.  That loving and looking forward to Pick is at the expense of her.  But today I had a better thought.

Without having Eleanor, there would be no Pick.  If I had not given birth to my beautiful daughter and experienced her short life in 2012, then surely I would not have had her brother in 2013.

Of course, it still doesn't make it okay. I am just so bad at being noble or strong.  I really tried to be genuine and positive in this post but it still feels like such crap.  I will never, ever understand why I cannot have and love them both.  On some level I will never fully accept it.  At least not in this life.  Though I am genuinely hopeful that someday I will gain an understanding that is not available to me here.

And that IS the truth.  I promise.

6 Months

August 5th marked Eleanor Lee's six months.  It's been hard every month but this was especially hurtful because when I was pregnant I had very specific plans for this day.

Dan and I have always joked that one of the perks of having children will be that we can finally buy one of those ugly plastic wading pools they sell at the grocery store for the back yard. We talked about how nice it would be that Eleanor would be 6 months old and still have a solid month of warm weather to enjoy. We would have bought the very smallest of the plastic pools. She would be steady enough to hold her head up and, maybe with the help of her bumbo chair, don her very first swimsuit and have her very first dip in the pool!

So that's why I am especially sad on her 6 month day.  Because I had so clearly pictured how this day would be and, of course, it looks very different.

But there is some good.  We are 15 weeks along, awaiting our second child.  The risks are scary, one in 10, so they say.  But we are praying and hoping everyday that this will be out take home baby.  There are so many here that are waiting to meet this sibling.  And I feel that Eleanor is rooting for us and, if she can, doing everything to get this baby here and home.

But I will never call this baby my Rainbow Baby, as is often the terminology among parents who have experienced a loss.  I understand the thought behind the words but they just aren't for me.  Eleanor was not a storm I had to endure and this baby will not be my reward for losing her or a symbol of the end of the grief.  She was a beautiful first child and I will love her and miss her and enjoy remembering her forever.