Books Donated for Eleanor's 5th Birthday

This was a very tough birthday for me and it did my heart good to see all these titles that friends and family selected in her memory.  As always, we'll take our books to the Arkansas Children's Foundation office in Springdale.  It's a very small donation to this enormous, hardworking organization and the members of that office are so kind and positive about accepting our little collection of books.  Some of the other places these donated books land include local schools, hospitals, international charities, women's shelters, children's shelters, churches and more.

Here's a list of some of the titles donated this year:

And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street
The Little Engine That Could
Just Grandma, Grandpa, and Me
Where the Wild Things Are
Madeline
If I Were a Monkey
Llama Llama Hoppity Hop
Llama Llama Zippity Zoom
The Giving Tree
Why is Blue Dog Blue
5-Minute Star Wars Stories
Charlotte's Web
Anne of Green Gables
The Story of Ferdinand
The Tail of Peter Rabbit
Wind in the Willows
Finding Dory: Two Fishy Tales
What Makes a Rainbow?
Alice in Wonderland
The Chocolate Rabbit
The Haunted Museum
Night Creatures
National Geographic Kids: Frogs
Surprising Swimmers
Tim Tebow: Always a Hero
Mr. Seahorse
What Makes a Rainbow?
Around the Farm
Snuggle Puppy
Love is All Around Michigan
Madeline
The Night Before Preschool
Corduroy
Paddington
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish
Solar System
Little Golden Book Frozen
Little Golden Book Brave
The Story of Ferdinand
The Giving Tree
Paddington
Corduroy
Madeline
Steam Train, Dream Train
Giraffes Can't Dance
Thank You, God, for Mommy
Thank You, God, for Daddy
The Secret Life of Pets
Chicka , Chicka, Boom Boom
'Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving
Frozen
Guess How Much I Love You
Curious George and the Puppies
The Day Crayons Quit
The Giving Tree
Five Little Monkeys
The Little Engine that Could

Spoon

The Dot

A Day with the Animal Doctors

Archie Sloth to the Rescue
Clementine
Junie B. Jones and the Mushy Gushy Valentine
Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse
The Most Magnificent Thing

Wherever You Go, My Love Will Find You

I Already Know I Love You

I'd Know You Anywhere, My Love

9 Months: Good News

Today, Eleanor would have been 9 months old.  I hate that she missed Halloween.  I really felt her absence among the babies of friends dressed up and paraded through work and in my own family as my niece and nephews came over to trick or treat.  We had looked forward to her first costume - a hand me down plush Dumbo the Elephant costume - now tucked into a large drawer in a dresser sitting just to the left of me as I write this post.

But today was a big day for our little family.  We had our second appointment to see the genetics specialist in Little Rock.  I had worked myself up into an anxiety ball in the weeks leading up to this appointment.  We were there to look again at the diaphragm to make sure it was not herniated.  Plus a look at any other warning signs that may indicate that Pick was going to have problems.

I am happy to report they could find nothing out of the ordinary.  By all accounts Pick is a healthy, growing baby.  He even had the hiccups while they were taking pictures, as if to show off his strong diaphragm.

Dr. Wendell said there was nothing that made him nervous about what he saw.  He added that this far along, he felt that if something was wrong, there would be something off, some sort of visible indicator.  He tempered this optimism with the required acknowledgement that in our situation, we cannot know until he is here.  But overall, I could tell he was very confident about the results.

I'll say again today what I think every moment - it will never be okay that Eleanor isn't here.  I am so glad to know that Pick is getting close to making his arrival and that it would seem, at least for now, that he will not be sick.  But I love him alongside my daughter, not instead.  Sometimes, I think (torture myself) with the idea that if Eleanor had lived we would not be having this baby boy.  That loving and looking forward to Pick is at the expense of her.  But today I had a better thought.

Without having Eleanor, there would be no Pick.  If I had not given birth to my beautiful daughter and experienced her short life in 2012, then surely I would not have had her brother in 2013.

Of course, it still doesn't make it okay. I am just so bad at being noble or strong.  I really tried to be genuine and positive in this post but it still feels like such crap.  I will never, ever understand why I cannot have and love them both.  On some level I will never fully accept it.  At least not in this life.  Though I am genuinely hopeful that someday I will gain an understanding that is not available to me here.

And that IS the truth.  I promise.

6 Months

August 5th marked Eleanor Lee's six months.  It's been hard every month but this was especially hurtful because when I was pregnant I had very specific plans for this day.

Dan and I have always joked that one of the perks of having children will be that we can finally buy one of those ugly plastic wading pools they sell at the grocery store for the back yard. We talked about how nice it would be that Eleanor would be 6 months old and still have a solid month of warm weather to enjoy. We would have bought the very smallest of the plastic pools. She would be steady enough to hold her head up and, maybe with the help of her bumbo chair, don her very first swimsuit and have her very first dip in the pool!

So that's why I am especially sad on her 6 month day.  Because I had so clearly pictured how this day would be and, of course, it looks very different.

But there is some good.  We are 15 weeks along, awaiting our second child.  The risks are scary, one in 10, so they say.  But we are praying and hoping everyday that this will be out take home baby.  There are so many here that are waiting to meet this sibling.  And I feel that Eleanor is rooting for us and, if she can, doing everything to get this baby here and home.

But I will never call this baby my Rainbow Baby, as is often the terminology among parents who have experienced a loss.  I understand the thought behind the words but they just aren't for me.  Eleanor was not a storm I had to endure and this baby will not be my reward for losing her or a symbol of the end of the grief.  She was a beautiful first child and I will love her and miss her and enjoy remembering her forever.