I miss her all the time, everyday, every minute. I can physically feel her absence. Many, even most, hours of the day. I can be up, walk around, get dressed, spend time with loved ones, and pose as a semi-normal human. But instead of it just being natural, done without thought or planning like the un-grieving world, every moment not spent thinking of Eleanor, crying for her, wishing she was here and talking about her is 100 percent forced.
I do this for two reasons. One: I fear that if I indulge these thoughts all the time I will actually go insane. I can feel myself slipping away some moments, wanting to just lean into these dark thoughts. So I make myself compartmentalize those most extreme feelings of sadness, letting them out only when I truly cannot hold them in a second longer. And then I let them out. And the process starts over again.
Two: The sad truth is, life goes on. The days will keep coming. And I will miss her want her and feel her empty place on the earth for the rest of my life. So if I let myself drop out of the real world right now - what then? When do I come back? How do I come back? Could I?
So the old "fake it 'till you make it" adage comes to mind. If I can make myself do the things that used to be real and ordinary in my former life - then maybe someday they can feel real and ordinary again.
No comments:
Post a Comment