Painful Reminders and Closure

Today was my post partum visit with my doctor.  For some reason I did not realize it was going to be as hard as it was.  I was okay through the blood pressure and temperature taking, talking to the nurse about the weather.  I even made a half-joke about being dressed nicely for the day noting that I was making an effort to "fake it, 'til I make it."  (As a side note: her comment about my appearance made me sure of what I already suspected - that the last time she saw me, only two weeks out from losing Eleanor, that I looked like a total zombie mess.)

But when she asked me to undress so the doctor could check the episiotomy site and make sure my cervix was closed - I lost it.  It just hit me like a bullet.

Now, let me say that my rational mind knows that I am not pregnant.  I know that I delivered and lost my sweet E.  But as I have said before, it all happened so quickly, turning from celebration to tragedy in a blink, that I remain very much in shock.  I often tell Dan it feels like we are still waiting for her to arrive.

So while I waited for the doctor, I grieved.  That this visit really meant it was over.  That I was not waiting for her to arrive but coping with the loss of her.  That in a few minutes, I would have to endure an examination that over the last few months had been associated only with good news - the progress of the pregnancy, the excitement as we neared the due date.

To be honest I think I was suffering from post traumatic stress at the thought of, this time, this examination would be further proof of the finality of what had happened.  My body had returned to non-pregnant condition and I had no baby girl to acknowledge it had ever happened.  It felt so barren and, as always, so painfully lonely.

But my doctor is wonderful and saw I was a woman on the edge.  So rather than coming in a quickly preforming an office visit that should have taken 5 minutes, she sat and talked with me.  How was I feeling? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally?  She gave me an update on their progress of trying to get answers about what happened to E.  Options for how to approach another pregnancy. Only after I was calmed down did she do what she had to.

And I got through it.  Just like with all new things I have to do as I carve out what my new normal looks like.