More than a year out from losing Eleanor, there will be at least one moment everyday where I am still caught of guard by the overwhelming surprise and disappointment that she isn't here. Let me be clear, I think about her all the time, if my mind made noises or music, the drumbeat of everyday would be thoughts of her.
But at least once every 24 hours, something will happen and I will think, "I just can't believe she isn't here. That she as supposed to be here right now and she isn't. That she is never coming back." And it's as surprising as it was that first day.
Usually, these moments will hit me while I am alone. But recently, I was hanging out with a friend - baby Ed between us - chatting about friendly, unimportant things. The the sudden and complete feeling of heartbreak overwhelmed me. So I said so. A mark of this friend is that she didn't miss a beat, didn't make a huge deal over it and did act like I was a weirdo.
"I just still can't believe she isn't here!" I said, apropos of nothing. "I can't believe I have had two children in the last two years and only one is here."
"Me, neither," was her simple response.
Always thinking of you friend and Miss Eleanor. I can't believe she isn't here either.
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