It had been unseasonably warm in the days leading up to Eleanor’s funeral. I remember noting the sunshine and only needing a light jacket as we shuttled around town, meeting with people and making arrangements. But the second worst day of my life was really cold and gray and damp. Which seemed fitting, if a little on the nose. Like a movie of the funeral of a loved one.
I have inconsistent memories from that day, little flashes that I remember vividly then big black holes in between.
Like screaming at my exhausted, grieving parents, siblings, and in laws because I thought we were going to be late (we weren't).
Or realizing I had to go to the bathroom and having some kind stranger who worked at the church take me by the hand and lead me to the bathroom because something about the way I looked must have clearly showed I was in capable getting myself to the bathroom like a normal adult.
And running into a close friend’s husband on my way to the bathroom and seeing his slightly horrified face as we made eye contact and passed each other wordlessly.
At some point I noticed that My OB/GYN along with some of the other doctors and staff were seated, in a pew towards the back of the church.
I wore a dress and shoes that my sisters went out and purchased the day before the funeral and then returned after because I didn’t want the dress hanging in my closet. I couldn't really even tell you what it looked like - dark stripes, I think. The shoes were cute but too big.
Before the service began, they led us into a small side room where we could spend sometime with her body. She was a beautiful, sleeping baby and I really thought I might stop breathing. We buried her in the outfit we had picked to bring her home from the hospital. A multi-colored polka dotted fleece hooded sweater and pink pants. She looked cozy and comfortable. She also wore a bracelet pink tiny beaded that her great aunt had made her. Her little white casket was impossible. A friend later wrote that she couldn’t bear the idea of a casket that small needed to exist. Me neither. I couldn’t bring myself to touch her skin but I laid my hand on her little belly for several minutes. Members of our family were in the little room with us and Dan made a short speech about how much we loved her.
Or realizing I had to go to the bathroom and having some kind stranger who worked at the church take me by the hand and lead me to the bathroom because something about the way I looked must have clearly showed I was in capable getting myself to the bathroom like a normal adult.
And running into a close friend’s husband on my way to the bathroom and seeing his slightly horrified face as we made eye contact and passed each other wordlessly.
At some point I noticed that My OB/GYN along with some of the other doctors and staff were seated, in a pew towards the back of the church.
I wore a dress and shoes that my sisters went out and purchased the day before the funeral and then returned after because I didn’t want the dress hanging in my closet. I couldn't really even tell you what it looked like - dark stripes, I think. The shoes were cute but too big.
Before the service began, they led us into a small side room where we could spend sometime with her body. She was a beautiful, sleeping baby and I really thought I might stop breathing. We buried her in the outfit we had picked to bring her home from the hospital. A multi-colored polka dotted fleece hooded sweater and pink pants. She looked cozy and comfortable. She also wore a bracelet pink tiny beaded that her great aunt had made her. Her little white casket was impossible. A friend later wrote that she couldn’t bear the idea of a casket that small needed to exist. Me neither. I couldn’t bring myself to touch her skin but I laid my hand on her little belly for several minutes. Members of our family were in the little room with us and Dan made a short speech about how much we loved her.
There weren’t a lot of people at the service. I look back now and know I likely didn’t do a good job of making people feel welcome to come. I didn’t really share the details or invite many people - torn between wanting people to be sad and know how important she was but also not wanting anybody to look at me. I am very grateful to the brave friends who just showed up.
During the funeral the priest conducting the services got my name wrong. He called me Amber or Allison or something like that. I don't really remember caring much, though I found out our family priest who had traveled down from Joplin to participate in the service - along with row of some very close friends - were infuriated.
As is traditional after a funeral, we had planned to invite people over to our house or maybe it was supposed to be in a room at the church. We had even arranged some trays of sandwiches and fruit. But after the graveside service, I couldn’t stomach the thought of it and quietly told our church director to tell people not to come over. I'm not sure how word spread but no one showed up and I don't know what became of the trays of food. I went to sleep for several hours and that's pretty much everything I remember from that day.
Her grandfather, Dan's dad, wrote her obituary, which was also printed in the funeral program:
Our angel left us quickly to brighten Heaven forever. Eleanor Lee Ashley was born to Amanda Claire Ashley and Daniel Lee Ashley of Fayetteville, Arkansas on February 5, 2012 and passed away shortly after birth. In addition to her parents, she is survived by her grandparents Jeff and Mary Hughey of Joplin, Missouri, Larry and Martha Ashley of Simpsonville, SC, her four aunts Sarah Hughey of Chicago, Illinois, Courtney Hughey of Wolf, Wyoming, Emily Hughey of Joplin Missouri, and Lisa Schilling of Rockhill,SC, her Uncle Chris Hughey and his fiancee Jessie Cupp of Springfield, Missouri and Uncle Jonathan Schilling of Rockhill, SC, her cousins Wyatt, Bratcher, and Alice Schilling of Rockhill, SC.
She will be missed and remembered as a soft and precious treasure forever.
The Funeral will be held at Saint Joseph's Catholic Church on Thursday February 9, 2012 at 1:00 p.m., with Father Larry Heimsoth presiding. Interment will follow at Fairview Memorial Gardens.
Her grandfather, Dan's dad, wrote her obituary, which was also printed in the funeral program:
Our angel left us quickly to brighten Heaven forever. Eleanor Lee Ashley was born to Amanda Claire Ashley and Daniel Lee Ashley of Fayetteville, Arkansas on February 5, 2012 and passed away shortly after birth. In addition to her parents, she is survived by her grandparents Jeff and Mary Hughey of Joplin, Missouri, Larry and Martha Ashley of Simpsonville, SC, her four aunts Sarah Hughey of Chicago, Illinois, Courtney Hughey of Wolf, Wyoming, Emily Hughey of Joplin Missouri, and Lisa Schilling of Rockhill,SC, her Uncle Chris Hughey and his fiancee Jessie Cupp of Springfield, Missouri and Uncle Jonathan Schilling of Rockhill, SC, her cousins Wyatt, Bratcher, and Alice Schilling of Rockhill, SC.
She will be missed and remembered as a soft and precious treasure forever.
The Funeral will be held at Saint Joseph's Catholic Church on Thursday February 9, 2012 at 1:00 p.m., with Father Larry Heimsoth presiding. Interment will follow at Fairview Memorial Gardens.
