The problem with losing my first born child is that everything has reverted back to much the same as it was before I got pregnant. It was months of preparing to enter a brand new chapter of life. Parenthood was guaranteed to be completely different from not being responsible for another initially tiny and helpless human.
But instead things are the same. Except worse because it's all wrong. We're not supposed to be able to pick up and go out to eat, make plans with friends or go get a drink without careful pre-planning. We're not supposed to be able to go to bed when we want to, get up with not quite enough time to get ourselves ready for work, opting for more sleep and accepting this means looking sort of crappy at work.
So for me, every small self-centered indulgence feels like an extremely inadequate consolation prize for what I really want and can't have.
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