I went to visit Eleanor's site on Friday only to discover the potted flowers and pinwheels I had put out days before had been removed. I went to the office where they told me I wasn't allowed to put anything out on the grounds until her permanent headstone was in place, and even then would only be allowed to place flowers inside the stone's vase.
Normally, they don't let extra arrangements stay out on the sites after one week following the services but I guess they had been making an exception for Eleanor because of our situation. I am thankful for that kindness but it just felt like such a blow.
I had two very dear friends with me when I was handed this fresh hell. I was embarrassed and grateful they were there as I fell apart, sobbing and screaming in the car outside the cemetery's office.
I had been regularly leaving fresh cut flowers, visiting every couple of days, making it pretty. It meant so much to me to do this one thing "for" her. One many painful things about losing E was never being able to care for her, do anything for her. Now it feels like this is just one more thing that has been taken from me. One more thing I can't do. One more way I am reminded that I was not able to take care of her.
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